JEWISH HUMOR PAGE
So nu, why are we
including a "Jewish Humor Page" on our ministry web
site??! Well, many reading this page are from non-Jewish
backgrounds, and if you're honest, you'll admit that there are
many things about Jewish culture you just don't 'get'. Humor has
always been a prominent feature of Jewish life, particularly in
times of persecution when things were bleak. You'll understand
more of the traditional Jewish mindset when you read Jewish
humor. At the very least, we'll double the amount of 'hits' this
site gets when we publicize the fact that it has
"Jokes"!!
An older Jewish woman from Brooklyn goes in search of a famous
guru. She takes a plane to India and then a boat up a river, and
then hikes into the mountains with local guides. All in all it
takes her months of hardship to track down this guru. When she
finds him he is in the middle of some kind of ritual which lasts
for days and the guru's many followers won't let her see him.
Eventually she reaches the hallowed portals. There she is told
firmly that due to the long lines she can only say EIGHT words to
the guru. "Fine", she says. She is ushered into the
inner sanctum where the wise guru is seated, ready to bestow
spiritual blessings upon his eager initiates. Just before she
reaches his throne she is once again reminded: "Remember,
just EIGHT words." Finally the guru is ready to receive
visitors and calls for the woman to be admitted. She stands
before the famous guru. "Bernie"
she says, "it's your mother, time to
come home!"
"Rabbi," the
man said, "Please explain the Talmud to me."
"Very well," he said. "First, I will ask you a
question. If two men climb up a chimney and one comes out dirty,
and one comes out clean, which one washes himself?"
"The dirty one," answers the man. "No. They look
at each other and the dirty man thinks he is clean and the clean
man thinks he is dirty, therefore, the clean man washes himself.
"Now, another question. If two men climb up a chimney and
one comes out dirty, and one comes out clean, which one washes
himself?"
The man smiles and says, "You just told me, Rabbi. The man
who is clean washes himself because he thinks he is dirty."
"No," says the Rabbi. "If they each look at
themselves, the clean man knows he doesn't have to wash himself,
so the dirty man washes himself.
"Now, one more question. If two men climb up a chimney and
one comes out dirty, and one comes out clean, which one washes
himself?"
"I don't know, Rabbi. Depending on your point of view, it
could be either one." Again the Rabbi says, "No. If two
men climb up a chimney, how could one man remain clean? They both
are dirty, and they both wash themselves."
The confused man said, "Rabbi, you asked me the same
question three times and you gave me three different answers. Is
this some kind of a joke?" "This is not a joke, my son.
This is Talmud."
A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister, played
poker for small stakes once a week. The only problem was that
they lived in a very conservative blue-law town. The sheriff
raided their game and took all three before the local judge.
After listening to the sheriff's story, the judge sternly
inquired of the priest: "Were you gambling, Father?"
The priest looked toward heaven, whispered, "Oh, Lord,
forgive me!" and then said aloud: "No, your honor, I
was not gambling."
"Were you gambling, Reverend?" the judge asked the
minister. The minister repeated the priest's actions and said,
"No, your honor, I was not."
Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked: "Were you
gambling, Rabbi?" The rabbi eyed him coolly and replied
"With whom?"
A young rabbi was very fond of playing golf. Every chance he
would get, he would steal away to the golf course and shoot a
couple of rounds. One year, on Yom Kippur, the Holiest day of the
year, a day of Prayer and Fasting, he just couldn't help himself.
He had such a desire to play that day, and knowing that the
course would be fairly empty, he decided to finish the morning
service and sneak off for a few quick rounds. As God looked down
on the rabbi, one of his assistants gasped in horror. "My
Lord, how will you punish this Rabbi for this horrible
transgression?", he asked. "Watch and you shall
see", said God. He pointed his finger toward the Rabbi, and
lo and behold, the Rabbi shot a hole in one! God's assistant was
astonished. "Is this what you call punishment?", he
asked. "Watch again." was the response. And the finger
of the almighty pointed toward the rabbi, and once again, a hole
in one! "I am afraid I don't understand.", the puzzled
assistant exclaimed. "What kind of punishment is this,
allowing him to shoot the best game of his life?" God looked
the young assistant in the eye and said "So- who's he gonna
tell?"
The story is told of 4 older Jewish ladies who enjoyed getting
together in each others homes. "My son," says Mrs.
Levi, "is a Physicist and heads up a department at the
University. Her friends nodded approvingly. "My son,"
says Mrs. Greenberg, "is a Doctor and is Chief of Surgery at
Mt. Sinai Hospital". You must be so proud, they said.
"My son," says Mrs. Goldblatt, "is the head of a
law firm and president of the bar association". Again, nods
all around. "My son," says Mrs. Cohen, "is a
Rabbi". "A Rabbi?!" they exclaim, "What kind
of career is that for a Jewish boy?"
The waiter at a Jewish Deli serves his customer a whitefish. As
he's walking away he overhears his customer talking to the fish.
Soon the customer is deep in conversation with his lunch.
"So what's the deal here," says the waiter. "You
plan on eating it or taking it home and marrying it? "We're
just schmoozing," says the customer. "Turns out the
fish is from Great Neck Bay. I used to live there. So I was
asking him how things are back in Great Neck. "Sure, so what
did he say?" asked the waiter. "He said, 'How should I
know? I ain't been there in years!
Moshe and Shlomo are walking down the street when it starts to
rain, and no little sprinkle either but a real shower. It just so
happens that Moshe is carrying an umbrella.
"Nu," says Shlomo. "So when are you going to open
the umbrella. "It won't do us any good," says Moshe.
"It's full of holes. "So why then did you bring
it?" says Shlomo. "Because," Moshe says with
shrug, "I didn't think it would rain."